An Interview with the lovely Miss Ash of Perilously Precocious Librarian Book Blog:

Ghellow Road by T.H. Waters

Posted on February 23, 2011 by Miss Ash

I read.  A LOT.  But it has been a long time since I’ve begun a decently-sized novel and not put it down until I finished it on the very same day.

Until now.

Author T.H. Waters is not only an amazing writer, but an amazing person.  Between these covers is the story of her childhood.  Riddled with an angst-filled first family, this young lady was faced with trauma after trauma induced by the two people who were supposed to take care of her brother and her, but simply could not.

This is a story of two kids who grew up with a mom who has schizophrenia.  It’s clear to read that the diagnosis of schizophrenia isn’t the definition of their mother, but it’s a serious enough affliction that their every day stability, the comforts of home, their every movement is affected by it.

Frankly, there is still a lot of stigma associated with any mental illness.  As wide open as the age of information has become, it’s still a mysterious thing to “look normal” on the outside, even if inside there is utter brokenness.  In my opinion, the deepest way to obliterate discrimination and prejudice against mental illness and its varied facets is to immerse oneself into experiencing it.  Genuine exposure is the clearest and most pure (albeit emotional) way to wipe out your misconceptions about internal suffering… but if you aren’t privy to such exposure, reading the words of someone who has so intimately divulged their life experience can be an eye opener.   I feel like this book will be helpful to young adults who want to build up their compassion, but also for those folks who are looking for a glimmer of hope in the darkness.

Another main message driven home in this work is that it truly does take a village, especially in the case of parents who can’t function in the traditional sense of parenting.  Thank goodness for the village in T.H. Waters’ life! Without those people who were willing to care for these kids, there would have been no one.  As a young parent myself, it reminds me that not every household or family is going to exist on the same level of functionality as I strive to present.  Hell, even MY own first family’s level of functionality was vastly different.  But now that I have the opportunity to nurture the next young generation, it’s not only an option for me to love kids besides my own– it’s my responsibility.

My ranking:

This was an incredible read.  I am dumbfounded and thrilled to have been given the opportunity to devour something so personal and personally horrifying, yet so articulately and well-written.  T.H. Waters has an incredible talent for writing and I cannot wait to read her next piece of work.   Don’t stop writing, Tera!!!!

As for recommending this book to others:  I would, with a word of caution.  For people who may have grown up experiencing parental mental illness, this may be too much for them.  However, it can and will give hope!

And for an extra special treat, I am including an interview with none other than T.H. Waters herself!!!

• You obviously had a story to tell, but what inspired you to write it all down and publish a book?

I guess you could call it serendipity. I was making an effort to re-establish a relationship with my brother when he died unexpectedly about 8 years ago. I was quite distraught even though we hadn’t been close for many, many years. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to sleep. All I wanted to do was sit down at my dining room table and write out his eulogy. I spent hours writing & re-writing it. Getting all of my thoughts down on paper helped keep me sane during that difficult period in my life. A few years later, I read a book that I hadn’t much cared for and my significant other dared me to write a better one.  Although I’d never written a book in my life, or even a short story for that matter, I bought myself a laptop and set aside a few hours each day to write.  Much to my amazement, the words literally poured out of me.  I loved it.  Absolutely loved it.  Every word, every sentence, each recollection of heartache and joy.  All of it. I now realize that my brother had given me an unparalleled gift, one that has sent me on a quest to express myself through the beauty of the written word.

Incredible!  Sometimes even devastation can be a blessing, a message I hear over and over from you.

• If you were to come across a child who was going through a similar experience, what would be the signs you would look for?

We are all born with an inherent need to be understood, accepted and loved.  If we, as children, are unable to get these things from the adults in our lives, we look elsewhere, often making bad choices.  Look for signs of low self-esteem, which can come in different forms. In my case, I gave up so much of myself to be accepted-it was far more important for someone to accept me rather than the other way around, which made me very vulnerable to being used by others whether it was by a peer who I thought was my friend or by a member of the opposite sex. Another red flag is a child who self-medicates by abusing food, drugs & alcohol.  This is clearly a diversion for the child to mask unattended pain. Additionally, if you seldom see a child with his/her parent(s), it may be a likely indication that s/he is trying to escape a difficult living situation.

On these levels, when you wrote about yourself, I could completely relate to the people-pleasing parts of your personality.  Those are the exact things that I demonstrated as a young adult, and have only lately been able to break myself of the self-obliterating patterns of people-pleasing to a fault.  I’d love to talk with you more offline!!

• What would you tell a child to help them to get through an experience like that?

This is a beautiful question.  First, I would give that child a big bear hug.  Then I would say this, “I want you to know that I am so terribly sorry for what you have gone through in your young life.  I care about you and want you to overcome your hardship. Always remember these three things: #1) You must be your own best friend. No matter what. Although the adults in your life are responsible for your journey, the sad truth is that they may not always be there for you. Do everything you can to make yourself strong. Seek refuge in good friends. Anger, bitterness and resentment will come to you.  Do not run from it.  Acknowledge it, work through it as best you can, then set it aside and move forward. Do not, under any circumstances, allow these negative roadblocks to consume you. If you need help, seek the advice of a school counselor, teacher or trusted adult. If they don’t know how to help you, they’ll find someone who can. #2) Knowledge is power.  I cannot stress this enough. Find out what you are good at.  Think about your hobbies, your dreams, things you love to do, then go do them. Leave your bad situation behind as much as you can. If you love music, join the school band.  If you love acting, join a school drama group. If you love reading, cuddle in the corner of your nearest library with your favorite books. Maybe you could even start your own book blog! When you are old enough to get a job, work as much as you can while still saving time for your friends. Work will help you gain a valuable skill set, which will become one of your biggest assets. Always continue to be a student of life–never stop learning. #3) Remain a loyal and loving friend to those who have helped you through your difficult journey-they are the key to your success in life and deserve a place in your heart.

That’s excellent advice.  *tucking that in my knowledge arsenal for future use*

• Do you plan on writing a sequel to this story? If so, can you tell us when we can expect to see the work?

I’m considering writing a sequel but must admit that I’m on a much-needed break. I loved writing my book more than anything else I’ve ever done, but it was emotionally draining.  I’m currently letting my thoughts “brew” in the old think-tank.  Am hoping to have a sequel within the next few years.

I can imagine that writing your book must have been both exhilarating and exhausting.  I’ll try to be patient.  ;)

• For those of us who are aspiring writers, do you have any advice?

I had the great pleasure of hearing Kate DiCamillo speak a few months ago (she lives only a few miles from me) and enjoyed her very much.  When someone asked her this question, she responded, “First, you have to show up, and in addition, you must read, read, read.” I ‘ve heard other authors give this answer as well, however I would like to add a few more components. I love books tremendously, but I also think it’s important to be inspired by other art forms as well.  Seek out your favorite music, movies and paintings—closely consider these works and contemplate what the composer is trying to tell you. Look to nature and let it course through you—nature is the cradle of all art. In addition, put yourself in places that will closely resemble the scenes you’d like to create. Bring a camera, tape recorder and notepad.  The power of observation will be your best friend—you are unique; let others see the world through your very own lens.

Lastly, I’d like to thank you, Miss Ash, for giving me this amazing opportunity to be featured on your awesome book blog. Being appreciated for my work is, by far, the biggest compliment a writer can ask for, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

How fun!  I’m so glad you agreed to this interview.  I really enjoyed reading your work, and I am very appreciative of your words in this interview.  You are an inspiration, friend!

And if you’re looking to support The Librarian book blog, buy your copy from Tattered Cover here.

Lisa—Books in the Burbs

T. H. Waters Interview

1.  What compelled you to write your memoir based on your childhood experiences living with a schizophrenic mother?

   When I first decided to write my book, I’d plan on writing about my father.  I’d never gotten over his tragic death and wanted his story to be told.  My significant other encouraged me to write about my own life experiences instead.  “Write what you know the most about,” he advised.  After thinking it over, I realized that he was right.  I’ve had so many unusual life experiences that it felt like an appropriate topic.  Why bother writing fiction when my own story already has the ability to just as easily take someone to a place they’ve never been before.

2.   How would you describe your writing process?

   The very first thing I did when I began writing my book was jot down every memory I had into a notebook.  I went through those notes and began crafting the stories that were the most reflective of my overall experiences, taking great pains in choosing my stories because I was well aware that they had to be as expressive as possible, while still being succinct.  Once I had a draft, I’d go back and edit, edit, edit, then edit some more.  Telling my life’s story was of the utmost importance, but so too was the way I used words as a visual expression that would be unique to me as a writer.

3.  The story is told from your view point of a child and teenager, rather than as an adult looking back.  What was it like for you to revisit those memories through the eyes of a child and how did it impact your writing this book?

   This is a great question, Lisa.  To be honest, telling my story in this manner was very natural for me and it came through organically.  I tried to strike a balance between telling the story through a child’s eyes in a well-rounded fashion without sounding like I was speaking beyond my years at any given period.  As I grew older in the book, I allowed a more mature and observant voice to come forth, as would have been true for growing adolescent.  I hope that as people reflect upon my book, they’ll hear the difference in narrative between Books I & II.

When I re-visited those memories through my eyes as a child, I relived every moment.  Many of the people who I’d written about and have since lost were all real to me again, and I experienced them all just as if it were a movie playing inside my head.  On the one hand, it was truly joyful to experience the presence of those people again, but on the other hand it was extremely difficult to re-visit some of those memories with such clarity, some of which I’d long since buried.  I think the impact it had on the way I wrote my book was very powerful because that process brought forth such potent emotions which allowed me to express myself in ways that I otherwise would not have achieved.

4.  Despite some of your traumatic memories, you share with your readers some very special moments you had with your father.  How did those memories help you cope as a child?    

    My Dad was truly the backbone of my life before he died.  As I reflect back, I realize how hard he tried to shield me from the pain that was destroying our family.  At the very beginning of my book I write, “Despite Mom’s intense love, it was really through Daddy’s eyes that I first discovered the splendor of my existence, and it was through his strength the I grew to embrace it.”  I believe this with all my heart.  Before my dad died, my mom’s mental illness was something I struggled to live with.  After my dad died, it became something that almost destroyed me.

5.  In your Acknowledgement Page, you thank your community and mention how it truly takes a village to help one another.  Did you feel that the community rallied more around your family during or after the tragic event surrounding your father?  How was the community instrumental in helping your family cope and adapt to your family environment?

   I’m really glad you asked me this question.  When my dad was alive, our family lived in Minneapolis, Minnesota, which is a relatively large city.  I personally never felt much of a communal experience there, but perhaps I may have been too young to notice.  Most certainly a few neighbors & teachers expressed concern for our family, but I don’t recall any intervention or support from family, friends or relatives.  It was nothing like what I experienced after my dad died and we moved to International Falls, Minnesota, which is a quaint, little town on the Canadian border with a rich sense of community involvement.  It was my mother’s hometown, and she still had many friends and relatives living there who were instrumental in helping us cope with not only my father’s tragedy, but also the stress from my mother’s ongoing mental illness.  I had many wonderful friends there, as did my brother, whose families welcomed us into their homes.  I honestly am not sure what my fate would have been had I remained living in the big city of Minneapolis and feel extremely fortunate that I was able to take refuge in the more nurturing environment of International Falls. 

6.  How was writing your memoir a therapeutic process for you?  Did you learn anything new about yourself and your family as you were writing this book?

   It was therapeutic in the sense that it allowed me to organize the fragments of my life into something more sequential and whole so that I could better reflect upon the reality of what happened.  I gained a deeper respect for my dad as I thought about the difficulties he faced as a father, husband and sole family provider.  I felt a deeper loss for the relationship that I wish I could have shared with my brother, had we grown up together in a more functional family.  At the book’s end, I realized that the tragedy of what happened to my mother was even more pronounced.  She was such a beautiful spirit with so many gifts to offer this world, yet she never was capable of realizing any of her dreams.  Sadly, I never knew what she could have been or the dreams she held.

7.  Was there ever a time in your childhood that you and/or your family received counseling to help the family cope with mom’s illness and later, dad’s tragedy?

   Oh my goodness, you couldn’t have asked a better question, Lisa.  No, I never did receive any counseling, neither before my dad’s tragedy nor afterward.  In my world, as I was living it, “things” just happened in life, whether good or bad, and one was expected to deal with it as best they could.  As a child, I grew up thinking that counseling was for people with mental illness.  Looking back, I truly feel that I would have personally benefited from professional counseling on many levels: 1) to deal with my own trauma on a healthier level, and 2) to better cope with my mother’s mental illness, which would have decreased the distance between us as I grew up.  I also feel that professional counseling for my mother could have provided her with better parenting skills and may have even offered a bridge to conquer the divide between myself and my brother.  It could have been life changing for me, and I’m deeply sad that I never had that opportunity.  My message to anyone who knows a troubled child: If you feel like they are in a vulnerable situation, please, please, please do what you can to assist them in getting professional counseling.

8.  What message would you like for your readers to learn?

   For those who are fortunate enough to have never been confronted with the devastating consequences of mental illness, I would love for them to see their lives in a new light & never take their families for granted, not for one minute.  Call the people you hold dear and tell them you love them as soon as you’re finished reading my book.  And remember… don’t sweat the small stuff… literally.

   For those who have been dealt a hand similar to mine, I’d like to give you a big hug, then say this:  You are not alone.  The following is a quote from within the first few pages of my book, and I mean it with all my heart. “My greatest hope is to be a voice for all those out there who are fumbling through their own tangled labyrinth”.  As a child, I often felt as though I were living in a foreign land while everyone else enjoyed life in small-town America.  That’s how different I felt from others in my community.  I was ashamed, and that was wrong.  Never be ashamed of your difficult circumstances, and always try to live your life out loud.  Yes, some may shun you for doing so, but they aren’t worth your time anyway.  There will be plenty of compassionate people with kindness in their hearts who will help guide you along your journey.   

9.  Through your story, the reader realizes how strong and resilient you are.  Where do you feel that strength has come from? 

   Thank you for your kind words!  I’m not sure how strong I really am, but I believe that two things have seen me through the years: Love & Compassion… from my father, mother, paternal grandmother, maternal grandfather, wonderful friends and the village I call International Falls.  Without these two critical components, I would never have survived.  There are children out there who have struggled far more than I did, who’ve had little or no Love & Compassion in their lives, and those are the children deserving of our attention and sorrow. 

10.  For a child living with a parent, who has mental illness, what kinds of support do you feel they needed?  What words of encouragement would you like to share?

   That child needs at least one (hopefully more) stable person in their life who is willing to tuck them under a wing and fill the void that the mentally ill parent has created.  Make them feel like they always have an adult to turn to, no matter what, someone who will never abandon them, someone who will help them achieve their hopes and dreams, someone to provide unconditional stability.  Secondly, family counseling would be extremely beneficial.  In my case, I grew up with a lot of anger towards my mother and feel that counseling would have helped us to better cope with each other instead of creating such a large chasm between us.  I also wish with all my heart that someone could have provided an opportunity for my brother and myself to reach out to each other rather than grow so far apart.  The resentment that increased between us through the years eventually consumed our relationship, and I find that to be such a tragedy.

   Encouraging words for a child living with a mentally ill parent… First, I would give that child a big bear hug.  Then I would say this, “I want you to know that I am so terribly sorry for what you have gone through in your young life.  I care about you and want you to overcome your hardship. Always remember these three things: #1) You must be your own best friend. No matter what. Although the adults in your life are responsible for your journey, the sad truth is that they may not always be there for you. Do everything you can to make yourself strong. Seek refuge in good friends. Anger, bitterness and resentment will come to you.  Do not run from it.  Acknowledge it, work through it as best you can, then set it aside and move forward. Do not, under any circumstances, allow these negative roadblocks to consume you. If you need help, seek the advice of a school counselor, teacher or trusted adult. If they don’t know how to help you, they’ll find someone who can. #2) Knowledge is power.  I cannot stress this enough. Find out what you are good at.  Think about your hobbies, your dreams, things you love to do, then go do them. Leave your bad situation behind as much as you can. If you love music, join the school band.  If you love acting, join a school drama group. If you love reading, cuddle in the corner of your nearest library with your favorite books. Maybe you could even start your own book blog! When you are old enough to get a job, work as much as you can while still saving time for your friends. Work will help you gain a valuable skill set, which will become one of your biggest assets. Always continue to be a student of life--never stop learning. #3) Remain a loyal and loving friend to those who have helped you through your difficult journey-they are the key to your success in life and deserve a place in your heart.

12.  How did you choose the title and book cover? 

   The title is derived from the word “gelatin” – a colorful treat enjoyed by children, evoking memories of innocence.  But for me, my world was always uncertain, as if I were walking on gelatin, never certain how firm the next step would be, never certain where the road would lead.

   The book cover – my dad took the photo of my brother and myself at the Minnesota State Fair just a few years before he died.  I love that photo.  The background is an extension of the fair theme, one side being sunny before the thunderstorm strike.

13.  As an adult, what does your relationship with your mother look like?  Did you ever reconnect with your father’s mother, once you moved away?  In what ways did your grandparents support you through your childhood? 

   Sadly, my mother died about 5 years ago.  I loved my mother dearly.  She was one of the most magical & beautiful spirits I’ve ever known.  I was devastated when she died.  My life was so woven around hers that I had absolutely no idea what life would be like without her.  I know that my mom loved me immensely.  She had this wonderful way of thinking that I could do no wrong, no matter what (as an adult), and she believed in me wholeheartedly.  She never said a discouraging word or made me feel badly about myself, and always, always told me how much she loved me.  Even still, we had a very rocky adult relationship.  I yearned for a life away from mental illness and she had a difficult time giving me up.  I believe counseling could have helped to heal us.

   My father’s mother was a godsend for me – she was truly my second mother, and I loved her dearly.  We were very, very close until my dad died.  After I moved away, I rarely heard from her, and we lost our beautiful connection.  She passed away many years ago, so I’m unable to ask her why that happened.  I guess I’m not really sure.  She lived a very simple life and didn’t drive or fly anywhere so she wasn’t able to visit me, though I wish she would have kept in touch via phone or letters, but she never did. 

 Grandparents are like gold & have the ability to become a gift in any child’s life.  If there are any grandparents out there who are reading this, I want you to know one thing… never underestimate the power of your love and involvement in your grandchild’s life – it is priceless. 

14.  What do you enjoy doing when you are not writing?

Oh… so many things!  I love reading, movies, walking in the park, museums, live theater, volunteering, cooking & baking, hanging out with my beautiful kitty cats and going on day-trips with my wonderful significant other.

15.  Looking back, do you feel that your father had an undiagnosed mental illness/disorder?  What do you hope to teach other’s through his feelings of hopelessness and desperation?

   This is a really interesting question, yet one that I feel I’m unable to answer completely.  I only knew my father through the eyes of a child.  I rarely had contact with his side of the family after he died, and my mom refused to talk about him whenever I asked any questions.  Sadly, I feel as though I have merely impressions of him in lieu of the type of relationship memories an adult child could reflect upon when remembering their father.  I do know that he came from an abusive childhood, one in which his father often slapped him around, and that in and of itself is so horribly damaging to a child’s psyche.  Did he have mental illness?  I hate to speculate without knowing. 

What do I hope to teach others through my father’s feeling of hopelessness and desperation?  Perhaps the answer lies in what this world is lacking in general… more random acts of kindness & support, especially towards those who’ve had a more difficult journey.

16. Your memoir ends with you leaving to start college.  At college, were you able to build a network of support for yourself?  If so, what did that look like for you?

   When I was at college, I was still yearning to be accepted, so much so that I sacrificed a part of who I really was.  I’d always been ashamed of my past and shared very little of it with my friends.  I did have good friends in college, but being so young, we were all still trying to figure out who the heck we were and what we wanted out of life.  I’m not sure people at that age are yet capable of providing the deep-rooted support that’s required for someone who has lived such a troubled childhood.  It would be difficult for most to understand what it was like to grow up the way I did, just as it is difficult for me to imagine what it would have been like to grow up with the support of two giving, healthy parents.

17.  Your mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and your brother was as well, when he was an adult.  How did their treatments differ, how was it the same?  What was most helpful to them? 

   This is difficult for me to answer… I’d already moved away from International Falls by that time and was not involved in their treatment.  I would really like to ask them this question, but they have both passed on.

18.  What positive lesson were you able to learn from your childhood experiences? 

 I enjoy every day.  Every single day.  I take absolutely none of the good things in my life for granted. 

19.  How would you like your book to help other children and families who have been impacted by a mental illness?

   I would like them to understand how our family was torn apart by mental illness and try to learn from my story.  For instance, create as big of a support system as possible.  This may not be easy, but you must try.  Involve family members and the mental health community to assist whenever possible.  Keep the person afflicted with mental illness engaged with their families, no matter how hard this is.  Regarding the family members who aren’t afflicted with the disease, bond together as much as possible – understand what you are dealing with and create a united front against this terrible disease, never let it divide you.

20.  As a writer, is there another genre that you would like to explore for future writing projects?  If so, which would it be?

   I have a few ideas that I’m letting bubble at the moment, but to be honest, I put everything I had into writing this book and am currently on a much-needed break.

Thanks for all your fantastic & insightful questions, Lisa!  It has been a true privilege to speak with you.